Introduction

The Uxoricide Project is a research project devoted to understanding the lives of children who have lost one of their parents through murder by the other parent, step parent, or partner. Uxoricide is a word with ancient Greek roots that means "wife killing." It is commonly used to refer to the slaying of either partner (man or woman) in a relationship. We chose to use this word to show that this kind of tragic death is not new — it has affected families for thousands of years.

So far, we have talked to about 90 adults who lost one or both parents to uxoricide. We are beginning to see some common themes in these stories. First, children often feel alone, as they are the only ones to have experienced this kind of tragic loss. Although there are not good statistics on how many children survive these situations, we believe that it is at least 2000 a year — about the same number of children who have leukemia each year. So while this is not common, there are likely tens of thousands of individuals who lived through this in their families.

Many of the people who talked to us said that they had rarely, if ever, told their story to anyone before. Many people did not even speak of it to close family such as their siblings or the family members that they lived with after the event. Some people chose not to talk about it because they were worried about upsetting other people. (A few had tried, and actually found that others reacted badly, and some were just concerned about what might happen.) Some were told not to talk about it. This might be because there was going to be a court case and the lawyers asked the children not to talk about it before the case was decided, but no one ever said when it was alright to begin talking about it. Sometimes the adults in these children's lives thought it would be better to just 'move on' or 'let it go.' Other people just did not know who to talk to. We cannot say from our study that children 'should' talk about the event or not. We do think that it might be helpful to let children know that they can talk about it if they want, and help them figure out who around them might be the best people to talk to.

Many of our participants felt 'different' after the event. They did not know of anyone else who had a similar experience. They worried about what people would think if they knew (or what they were thinking in cases where everyone in the community did in fact know.)

One disturbing theme that some people brought up was hearing their parents spoken of badly after the death. Sometimes families blamed the victim for bringing on her or his own death. Sometimes families were angry with the perpetrator. Sometimes children heard blame against both. The participants who talked about this all said it was very upsetting to hear their biological parents spoken of badly. Even when their biological parent was the perpetrator of the killing, the children wanted to hear that he or she had some good qualities. We think this is an important message for surviving family members. This could be difficult for the guardians, as in most cases the guardians have lost a loved one to either death or a long term prison sentence. They have feelings of loss, anger, and grief, too. Guardians may need to find a trusted family member, friend or professional with whom they can speak, so that the children orphaned by the event do not hear these negative statements.

Children may find the criminal trial, if there is one, difficult. It may bring back memories of the event. They may also be frustrated because they are not allowed to attend the trial if they are on the witness list, or disturbed by information that they learn during the trial if they can attend. In communities, there is a victim/witness advocate available to help prepare the children for the trial, even if they will not be called as witnesses. In communities where such services are not available, or where the services are insufficient, guardians and children can contact the National Organization for Victim Assistance at www.trynova.org and 1-800-TRY-NOVA (1-800-879-6682).

From our study, we cannot learn what the long-term effect of these events were on children. The individuals we have spoken to went on to have a wide range of experiences as adults. Some have struggled with drugs and alcohol. Some have been either victims or perpetrators of violence and other criminal acts. We have no way of knowing if these experiences were connected to their childhood loss, but many of our participants felt that they were. Just as many, however, have gone on to successful jobs and satisfying long-term intimate relationships. We do feel confident in making the following suggestions to guardians caring for these children:

1. Make sure that the children know that it is ok to talk about the event and their parents. Point out safe people for children to talk to.
2. Be a consistent presence in the children's lives. You do not have to be there everyday, but make sure they know that you care. If you live in a different city, regular telephone calls or letters will help the children know that you are there for them.
3. Make sure that the children know basic facts about what happened, as appropriate for their developmental level.
4. Avoid saying negative things about either parent, and find something good to say about both parents, no matter what your feelings are about them.
5. Let the children know that their family is not the only one this has happened to.
6. Be sure the children understand that no matter what, what happened was not their fault. 

How to use this website

The information we have on this website is not meant to substitute for professional advice for you or your family. Under "stories," we have written summaries of the stories that some of our research participants have told us. (All of the names and some of the details of their stories have been changed, but the stories are faithful to the essence what we were told). We hope that these may help others to feel less alone, and to see the range of life experiences of our participants.  You can click on any underlined word in the story to be taken to related information on other websites.  Under "resources" we have a list of websites that offer a range of resources that might be helpful. (If you know of others you want to share with us, please email us.)

We are interested in your feedback. Please email us if you have suggestions.